Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
