that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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