did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
