i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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