Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Barsexuality is the new black.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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