Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
