Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
