So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
