you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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