sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
