I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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