Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
