How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
