Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
