ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
