Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Randomize
