I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
