You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
