I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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