You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
