haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
