put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
