please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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