Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
