You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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