dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You may now shotgun with the bride
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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