Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
