Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
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Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
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