youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
