the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
