Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
