we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
