I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sarcasm needs its own font
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
