Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
