just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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