i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize