He is an equal opportunity slut.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
