tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
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Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i out mim tonsoeep
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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