she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
