I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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