I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
