I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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