remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just high enough for therapy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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