if i can run in heels then i can drive
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
