Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
