I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
