nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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