After last night, I could never be a politician.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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