She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
