My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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