I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
