I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
