Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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