i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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