If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
