A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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